why you ask? im starting to realise that he's always been there for me, to listen to me and to take care of me. he gives me anything he gets. he won't eat anything, and i  mean anything. not even Maltesers or chocolate icecream or an ordered Spaghetti Bologna without giving it to me first. (do i sound like a six year old?) why hadnt i ever noticed this before? why hadnt i ever noticed that he always felt sad/hurt when i cried because he's always there when i get lectured/kicked and he totally understands! totally understood! why didnt i know he totally understood?!!? is it because i never cared about him before? is it because i never wanted sympathy? is it because i had hated him before and thought he hates me as well? is it because i thought he enjoys my fucked up life? no! it's probably because ive been so stuck up and too full of myself to actually think about what others are feeling.......... 

now why doesnt that sound true....

it doesnt....

no..

im not full of myself IM NOT!!!! NEVER! i always thought about others. before putting on clothes, before putting on any lip gloss, before eating anything, before going out, before looking sideways.. ive always thought about what everybody thought! their thoughts matter! i dont want people to think bad of me.. but they do, obviously. NOT MY FAULT!

i remember when i came from male' to addu, when my dad got his stupid job transfered (biggest mistake ever); i ended up leaving all my friends and had to make my own friends. but by the time school started that Jan, there was a rumor about me. a rumor that i was expelled from my male' school because somebody had caught me with a boy inside a loo! LOO! WITH A BOY! I WAS ONLY 9 YEARS OLD!!!! why? my mother used to tell me because i was very pretty and island girls get jealous very easily. now that's stupid. really really stupid. fuck off to all who even heard that rumor!

it's valentines day.. happy valentine's day my love. darling. sweetheart.. i hope you are reading this. now, i know you dont read my blog often, but once you get a free time (from working too much/college) im sure you will :) you have always asked me why i loved you.. but i never gave you the answer.. im sorry.. its not because i dont have any answer.. its because i dont know how to say it.. i dont know.. how to, say it. im sorry.. i wanted to write them.. to you. but i decided to wait for a special day. and i did, didnt i?