oh my God! i really wish i could die, i really do! if only i could go to someplace nice like heaven then its fine God! thank you.
i wish i could kill both my mother and my boyfriend. two of the most important people in my life. but two people i wish id never met and never loved. don't they say, it's the love which is the most painful? because of the love i have for them, lil things they do, burn my body and my heart miserably.
my boyfriend has to do odd jobs like trying to make deals with his friends or friends of friends to get money. deals relating to stuff about computer and networks. these nights he stays out more than usual, and tend to forget me. i know he'd be busy and it probably would be best if i dont call him and ask him to come home to talk to me. but i miss him and need him a lot. even the tiny seconds feel like lifetimes if he's away. and i just cant bear the thought. there are also times, being the engineer of his company; when he has to work past midnight, somewhere around 3 or 4! and that means i cant talk to him before sleeping. i always talk to him until i practically start snoring. anyway, if he has to work at nights, that means id only be able to talk for a few moments and even if it were a long time, i wouldnt feel comfortable knowing that he's at work and not on the comfort of his bed. these are the nights when i get moody for not getting him to the max. and i tend to tell him not to go or come home. but i have no intention of pressuring him. pressure him! tsk! how can he even think of that word to describe me. i just demand him. his words last night were, 'you aren't helping my at all, instead, you are making things difficult for me'. so he has money problems at home. his father (being 70) is out of job, his sister's O level fees rise up to $750, he has to pay for college and his bike. and i was telling him to stop making small small deals that make huge money at once and start looking for a part time job that would give lil money. you can only make big things from small things. and was i wrong saying that? i guess i was because thats when he planted the bombshell on me. sigh! i do understand the things he does, but to make money, you have to work at different fields.
and then there's my mother. she almost tried to strangle me, rib off my face and hit me so hard on the legs i thought i might faint. and only this morning. earlier this morning. i was hardly awake. tsk! first i couldnt sleep because of my boyfriends stupid complains, and then i was woken up at dawn, (5:50 to be exact) to pray. which means i didnt sleep fully for four hours. and ive got a job interview today. thanks a lot for ruining the day my gems. yes it's that shangrilla job i applied for. HR secretary. i hope im gonna do fine. im so nervous. if i could just talk to someone who could encourage me and comfort me. but there's no one.
anyway, yeah, mom tried to strangle me? yes. i wake up everyday at 7 as i have tutoring classes at 8. but last night mother and i agreed that i wont go to the classes as id need full energy to go for the interview. and that ill wake up around 8. but then she woke me up around 7:50 and expected me to take a shower and go to the classes with 10 minutes to spare. i didnt. there was a lot of screaming, from her actually. i wonder if dad got any sleep. its so embarrassing when she yells at me when we both know that everyone would hear, she wouldnt do that to my brothers. she'd probably now be at granny's telling everybody that she tried making me get up but i wouldnt budge and didnt wanna come here. had it been my brothers, she'd make an excuse, something like a headache, as usual. anyway, she then tried to take away my phone. the closest thing i have to me. but i put it under my head and was gripping it like anything. i think she even drove her nails on my face cuz i feel a cut and it hurts. for a minute i wished i would give the phone to her. because i had no intention of talking to my boyfriend. but i didnt. and when she couldnt get it, she started throwing stuff at me, and when none of them hit me, she came and hit me herself. which is more painful than being hit by a truck. she then left. and i just lay on the bed, unable to cry, but wanting to. a minute later, my boyfriend called me and complained why i hadnt called him. sigh..
i really wish i could get this job. its my only mean of escape.
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